Hangman
by Love Is BeastN
Summary: There is no greater pain than this; not the cut of a jagged-edged sword nor a raging fire. Nothing burns in your heart like the emptiness of losing something, someone, before you're even given a chance.
1. Chapter 1

**Hangman**

**I**

_When did I start to feel this way about my brother? Perhaps when the brotherly love act started in the club, but something tells me that it began long before that; when it was _our _world and everyone else were simply living in it - pawns for our play. We had only each other back then. Now, every time I look at him I wonder how someone who looks exactly like me can seem so foreign. I never want to stop touching him whenever we do our brotherly love act for the guests. Laying in bed next to him and having to contain myself is torture._

_No, I do not know when these feelings so taboo began, but one thing is for certain: I'm dangerously in love with my twin brother. I just hope he feels the same about me. I mean, who could be closer to you than your own twin?_

—Hikaru Hitachiin

* * *

"Kaoru, go long!" Hikaru called, throwing Tamaki's treasured¾though raggedy¾handmade doll of Haruhi down the hallway while keeping the thrashing host club king at bay. Just before the doll reached Kaoru's outstretched hands a long arm caught it. The vice-principal stood there glaring. "Who threw it?" he demanded. Both Hitachiin twins pointed at Tamaki. The vice dragged an innocent, protesting Tono down the hall toward his father's office.

The bell rang and the high school students cleared the halls. In his classroom, Hikaru sat beside his twin, as usual, and drew a hangman game on a blank sheet of paper. "O," Kaoru guessed. Hikaru grinned and nodded, filling in the blanks. He'd decided to see how his brother felt about him. After so many hours of wondering how he would ask him, he'd finally came up with a inconspicuous way. He was going to ask him in this game. So far only half of the puzzle was worked and Kaoru was still at a loss.

"What's this?" a voice behind them said, it was their sensei standing over them. The annoying teacher took the game, crumpled it up, and threw it away. Hikaru stuck his tongue out at him and folded his arms across his chest.

The day went on without another chance to ask Kaoru arising. Much to Hikaru's dismay, the Host Club was canceled, there went his excuse for touching his brother today.

"Hikaru! Kaoru!"

Both twins turned to see Tamaki running toward them with Haruhi and Kyoya in tow, Hunny and Mori close behind.

"We're going to a commoners' beach this weekend!" he proclaimed, hence why club was closed. "Get your stuff and meet us back here in five minutes!"

_Baka, there's no way we can do that in five minutes, _Hikaru thought, then excused Milord's stupidity, as he had countless times before.

They went home and packed towels and whatever else they might need. While Kaoru was in the bathroom Hikaru rummaged through his bag, scowling at his choice of swim wear. He quickly replaced it with something he found more amusing then zipped it up just as his brother came out. He looked at him. "You ready?" He nodded.

After meeting up at school it was a long trip to the beach. Tamaki and the twins played every car game known to man until at last the Dark Lord told them to shut the hell up or else he'd (CENSORED) to their (CENSORED). They were quiet for the rest of the trip in fear they might have their dicks cut off.

When the beach came in sight, Haruhi was practically glued to the window.

"Eh? Haruhi, haven't you ever seen the ocean before?" Hikaru asked upon seeing her reaction. Although she had heard the question, she didn't respond, she was too embarrassed to. That silence was answer enough. As soon as they'd parked, Tamaki, Hikaru, and Kaoru grabbed Haruhi and sped off toward the changing rooms, Haruhi protesting that she could dress herself all the way. Hikaru didn't particularly care to see the girl in a swimsuit, so he stood aside as his brother and Tamaki stole her bag and slipped girly two-pieces into the dressing room. Haruhi screamed at them in profound language never meant to cross a woman's tongue. In the end, Haruhi wore what she wanted to: a loose t-shirt and shorts, and left her admirers cast down.

When time came for Kaoru to get dressed, Hikaru tried to act as guileless as possible, but he couldn't hide a mischievous snicker as his brother emerged from the small, tent-like room. The twins now adorned matching Speedos of different colors, and _damn, _Kaoru looked good in it. Hikaru threw a towel around his waste to hide his aroused and growing erection.

Kaoru's innocent, confused expression only added to Hikaru's excitement. The youngest twin said curiously, "I could have sworn I'd packed trunks." He shrugged it off nonchalantly, it didn't mater to him one way or the other.

The sun was just beginning to set as they headed out onto the beach, sending a beautiful selection of sparkling colors dancing on the amber-tinted expanse of ocean. A beautiful sight indeed, yet Hikaru could hardly appreciate it, being too preoccupied by the sight of Kaoru in a sexy Speedo.

Being a Friday, the beach was swamped with commoners, even at this late hour. The rich kids were unaware of the many stares that followed their every movement. Their spoiled appearance (though their gorgeous looks were enough to turn any eye) caught the attention of the less wealthy commoners and evoked whispers from all around.

Kyoya noted how filthy commoners' beaches are.

Hunny ran gleefully into the ocean but almost immediately found himself completely submerged in the salty water. He ran back and returned perched atop the high shoulders of Mori, equally as happy.

Haruhi settled a good distance away from the water's edge while Tamaki sat whining next to her. Kaoru tried to splash Haruhi over the distance she'd placed between them. Hikaru held in a pout, then tried to grasp his brother's attention by splashing him playfully. Kaoru, seeing Haruhi shot him the bird, pouted in turn and turned to Hikaru. They began splashing each other and laughing.

Fed up with Tamaki's begging, Haruhi stood up and started away; the Host Club king on her heels, crying and asking if he'd done anything wrong. Suddenly, having stepped wrong on the loose sand, Haruhi went down.

"Haruhi!" both Tamaki and Kaoru yelled, dashing to her side. Hikaru was left alone to bite back frustration.

Hunny was offering her his bun-bun while Mori held her comfortably off her injured ankle. Kyoya, who had anticipated something like this happening, pulled out a first-aid kit and proceeded by wrapping her ankle. "Twisted," he reported.

Haruhi sighed and gave Tamaki the death glare. The blond tear-ed up and burst out crying.

Hikaru dragged himself over to join his companions. Something that had been bothering him for quite some time now swelled up to the surface, before just a suspicion, now many times over been proved. Painfully proved. Kaoru was in love with Haruhi and, Hikaru feared, oblivious to the depth of Hikaru's love. If the youngest brother did not know of Hikaru's feeling he would soon find out on his own. Kaoru was not dumb, he could see what was happening around him.

Hikaru's head dipped and fists clenched in a desperate attempt to hide his forthcoming sobs. When at last he could hold them no longer, he turned and fled down the beach, refusing to allow the Host Club (especially Kaoru right now) see him like this.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru called. The elder twin kept running, there were no pursuing footsteps. Hikaru stopped when he reached a small crevice in the side of a cliff that overlooked the ocean, out of view from the beach. He sank to the sand and pulled his knees tightly to his chest, letting himself fall apart. Hikaru had always hoped that Kaoru would figure out how he felt about him, but now he wasn't so sure, as he had doubted before. What if it freaked him out and pushed him away? What if Kaoru found it disgusting and never wanted to speak to Hikaru ever again? The hiding boy pushed the bombard of questions away and forced himself to calm down before he hyperventilated.

He fell into a fitful sleep in which his indecipherable nightmares were tormented by the constant fear of rejection and loneliness.

* * *

"Hey guys, he's over here!"

"Hikaru!"

"Finally...."

"Is he okay?"

"Shh! He's asleep."

"Well, wake him up."

Hikaru easily awoke from his light unconsciousness. He warily opened his eyes, momentarily not knowing where he was. The silver light of night gradually found his awareness. Next, Kaoru was leaning over apprehensively. Hikaru lazily reached up without thinking and wrapped his arms around his double's neck and pulled him to him. Kaoru, not fully conceiving his twin's actions, hugged him back, relieved to have found him.

When the two crawled out of Hikaru's hiding place, Hikaru looked around and noticed that himself and Kaoru were the only ones here who wore no protective wear from the nights biting cold. Ignoring his own shiver, he asked, "Kaoru, where's your coat? Aren't you cold?"

Kaoru shot him an incredulous look.

"Kaoru went off looking for you immediately after he assured that Haruhi would be okay while the rest of us went to the hotel before we came searching for you," Hunny explained.

"Really?" Then realization took him hard, stripping away any form of joy his brother's act of caring might have brought him. He felt ashamed for such a childish act. "Oh! Kaoru, I'm so sorry! Everyone," he added, knowing he'd caused them all deep worry.

They smiled Hikaru's undeserved forgiveness. He dipped his head thankfully. With that mater solved, they made their way to the commoners' seaside hotel. Although they had been there briefly before, rooms were still undecided.

"Who's sharing a room with Haruhi?"

"I will!" Tamaki and Kaoru , glomming Haruhi. Despite his limping, she retaliated with two swift kicks to the groin.

"Nobody will share a room with her," Kyoya was quick to conclude. Kaoru and Tamaki didn't reply, just bent low clutching their crotches.

"Haaruuhiii!" Kaoru whined. She ignored him.

These annoying flirtations lasted all the way to the hotel. Hikaru remained quiet through it all, knowing it was not his place to speak, though he could hardly hold his growing temper. When at last Kaoru and him were alone his their room, Hikaru let it all out. It hurt so much, watching him follow after that girl like a lost puppy when she would never see him as more than a friend. But Hikaru could give him all he ever wanted, or so he thought.

This was it, he had to tell him how he felt. They had already changed into their pajamas and were preparing to go to sleep.

Hikaru paced casually over and locked the door, then turned and stalked toward his oblivious brother. Kaoru looked up and saw Hikaru's annoyed demeanor. "What's wrong, Hikaru?" he asked, watching his irate sibling approach. A hand shot out and collided with the wall with a heavy thump just a few short inches from Kaoru's head. "Hikaru?" he whispered in confusion, pressed against the wall, Hikaru's lips lingering close—so close—to his own.

Suddenly realizing his twin's intent, Kaoru turned his face away ,"What're you...?" Hikaru put his lips to Kaoru's neck, breathing in his sweet aroma which mixed with that of the sea. One hand found way under Kaoru's shirt.

"Stop...!" Kaoru breathed, begging helplessly.

Hikaru's groping hand slid into the front of Kaoru's pajama bottoms, coaxing him softly.

"Hikaru!" he yelped, trying futilely to pull away from his grasp. But Hikaru held him firmly in place, kissing him. The younger sibling managed to place his hands between them on Hikaru's chest. He pushed him away just long enough to get a glimpse of the mischievous lust in his brother's eyes and a sly smile upon his lips before he was back on him.

"I love you...I love you... I love you..." Hikaru whispered over and over as he continued to kiss him passionately.

"Nn…!" Kaoru winced away. When Hikaru had gotten his mirror-image's shirt off, despite his struggling, he began working on his pants. At that point, Kaoru had had enough of this insanity. With one great heave, he screamed maliciously, "HIKARU!" The eldest twin staggered back, not coming for him again, surprised by his reaction. Kaoru shot him the meanest look, then took his suitcase and stomped out of the hotel room.

Hikaru stood there, analyzing what had just happened. Then, he collapsed right there. How stupid he was! Hikaru momentarily considered chasing after him, but quickly dismissed the notion. Kaoru probably hated him now.

What had he done?

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club in any way, shape, or form.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hangman**

**II**

_Empty hours, empty days._

_I find that as I go through the days' routine I can find no meaning, no purpose for my still being. Death is an option I often find myself pondering upon. Whenever I hear reports of murder or suicide on the news I think of how lucky they are to finally escape. I envy them greatly._

_Many around me have noticed my emotional imbalance and seem to be watching over me. From what, you ask? Myself, I guess._

_Kaoru? What of him, you ask? He appears not to care, as if he hasn't noticed. Who knows, he might not have. Day after seemingly endless day he ignores me with perfected suavity. _

_I am still hovering on the darker side between hope and despair. The agony I feel in consequence of my greatest mistake is dreadfully, dreadfully aching, words could not encompass it. There is no greater pain than this; not the cut of a jagged-edged sword nor a raging fire. Nothing burns in your heart like the emptiness of losing something, someone, before you're even given a chance._

_Right now I care no more than to eat and sleep. I guess you'd say I'm in survival mode, doing no more than that of grim necessity._

_To live or to survive? Until my brother rejected me I never would have understood the significance of such a question. There have been many times in my life when I have felt helpless. It is perhaps the most acute pain a person can know._

_I have tried many times over to convince myself that life goes on, love prevails. Ultimately and inevitably they fail._

—_Hikaru Hitachiin_

* * *

Alone, Hikaru sat, as he always did nowadays. He confined himself to the solitary darkness of his half empty room. It was not but a day after Hikaru had screwed up that Kaoru had moved out of the room they had shared since birth. After that episode where Hikaru had lost control of his emotions, and the actions those emotions drove him to do, his brother seldom spoke to him; only occasionally acknowledging his existence.

Almost every morning, the maids had to break into his room (on the days that he had stolen the key) to wake him up and get him off to school. On Saturdays they didn't even bother, after many times of failing epically. They'd just sit his food outside the door, knock once, and leave to go about their daily chores. Hikaru rarely ate, thus dropping several pounds, but ate just enough, and often enough, to function normally.

"Master Hikaru?" a small, dejected female voice called through the door. She sighed audibly when he didn't answer. "Master, I seem to have misplaced my key. Please open up," she pleaded.

Now it was Hikaru's turn to sigh. He grabbed the maid's key off his dresser and headed for the door. He opened it and handed the key back to her. "I won't fight you today," he told her earnestly.

She grinned, "Oh thank-you, sir." She bowed low. "Your breakfast is downstairs." Then she turned and left.

Hikaru normally would have chuckled at her reaction, but things were different now. He was different now. Anyway, he'd figured that he had given the staff enough trouble in the past month. Listlessly, he got dressed and trudged downstairs. In the kitchen, Kaoru sat at the table. He didn't look up when his twin entered the room, even if he did notice him. Hikaru's gaze never left him as he sat at the table and picked at his food. Kaoru stood, leaving without a word. Suddenly Hikaru felt sick. He pushed his plate away and left also.

For the rest of the day Kaoru never looked nor spoke to Hikaru; this was beginning to become the normality of their relationship. While Hikaru's behavior had obviously changed for the worse, Kaoru's seemed to have only improved: upbeat and cheer emotions followed Kaoru's attitude. And at the club he didn't seem to change, though he at least made an effort to try to include Hikaru while entertained the guests they shared.

So many things had changed. They didn't talk. They were no longer close (as twins should be). There was no brotherly love act. There was no brotherly love. There was nothing between them now than broken emotions.

Hikaru had nothing without Kaoru, he soon came to realize.

* * *

**Such a short little chapter this turned out to be... All well, it covered the idea well enough.**

**Hope you liked it! Review! (^_^)//**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hangman**

**III**

_It is burned into my eyes and painted on my body of what sinful deeds I have committed. Most feel shameful of such acts of self-pity and torture, yet I find nothing but sweet relief every time this sharp edge makes its mark. For the first time in these elongated months of sorrow and loneliness, I have found joy._

_I clearly remember my excitement, tingling excitement, every time that stinging sensation burned my wrists. Something so simple it was, yet so fulfilling compared to the rest of my existence._

_People I've met, people who also do as I, want a savior someone to stop them. Others do not want to be saved, or doubt. Do such angels exist?_

_I know not—and care not—which._

—Hikaru Hitachiin

* * *

If the maids were worried before, they were terrified now. It was no secret of what Hikaru was doing to himself, and the maids were usually the ones who had to clean up the mess. Near all Hikaru's sheets wore the unconcealed evidence, his carpet also shared those bloodstains.

Hikaru wouldn't have tried to cover his scared arms, except for the fact that everyone stared at them and wouldn't leave him alone. So he wore wristbands to hide them, even though they rubbed and chafed, stinging the cuts. Nevertheless, he was all smiles as he sat with some guests at club time, in contrast to his previous apathetic frame of mind. Kyoya didn't object much to Hikaru's change. An emo in the club drew in more customers, but he was, like others, concerned for his friend.

"Hikaru, doesn't it hurt?" a guest asked, eyeing his wristband.

"Haha! Of course," he laughed. "It's my penance, it's supposed to."

"Hikaru! You don't have to do that! I'll forgive you!"

"I will too!"

"Oh, me too!"

Hikaru chuckled, but almost immediately turned somber, "I thank you, but there is no forgiving my sins."

"What did you do?" they asked, leaning in eagerly.

Hikaru's head dipped and a tear formed in his eye, laying it on thick, "It... It's too painful to talk about."

"Oh! We're sorry! We didn't mean to upset you!"

Kaoru stood away from them with Hunny and Mori, his arms crossed. "Humph! He's completely shameless," he growled, glaring at his twin.

"He can't help it, you hurt him deeply," Hunny explained, thinking how ironic it was that the twins had been playing "lovers" for years, and Hikaru actually did fall in love. And more ironic still how Kaoru rejected him.

Kaoru turned away from his small sempai. He wasn't about to apologize to his dramatic double.

Hikaru, making a quick recovery, sat casually with his arm slung over the back of the coach. Things were going fine, until one of the guests caught him off gaurd.

"Why isn't Kaoru joining us?" she asked, peeking at the other Hitachiin twin.

Hikaru smile faded. "It's... complicated," he said after a long silence.

"We have time," they pressed.

"I... I think he hates me now," he said simply, the girls' _"oh's"_ came immediately after.

Kyoya stepped in before any further questions could be asked, preventing, or at the very least dampening, any forthcoming emotions that could lead to dangerous actions. "Time is up, girls," he announced.

"Aw... Bye, Hikaru." They left.

Hunny ran up to Hikaru. "Here, you wanna hold my bun-bun?" Tamaki came in with instant coffee, Haruhi spouting out line after line of comfort from random commoners' shows. If there was one thing that the hosts, excuse Kaoru, worked together on, it was trying to keep Hikaru alive. They were afraid that their suicidal friend could go at any moment. Hikaru was well aware of their efforts, though they were not what kept Hikaru alive. No, it was his own misfortune, his own damnation that kept Hikaru chained to this plane of existence.

Hikaru, having not moved so far, lifted his skeptical gaze to them. "Seriously, I've told you before, don't make a fuss over me. (It won't do any good.) But thanks." He grinned, but they easily saw through the facade. How long would this game of open/concealment last?

As they departed, he overheard Kaoru mumbling to Hunny, "I hate people like that. If Hikaru was serious about killing himself he would've done it already."

* * * * *

Sure enough, that night the clear, sharp cracking of a gunshot broke loose in the Hitachiin mansion. Hikaru cursed, picking up the gun he'd dropped by accident. It had been hard enough getting a hold of the weapon, yet alone sneaking it up to his room. He wasn't about to let this mishap stop him. He deftly reloaded the barrel with a single shot, hearing the fast approaching footsteps. He didn't have the key this time, and the butler came running into the room just as the barrel turned on the eldest son's head. He quickly pulled the trigger, giving it no second thought, but his loyal subordinate slapped it away. The bullet grazed Hikaru's shoulder, splattering his too often spilled blood on the floor and wall. The ever faithful servant disarmed the young boy. Hikaru fell to his knees, clutching his bloodied shoulder as pain ripped through it. He grimaced and let out an agonized moan before snapping a glare of pure hatred upon his rescuer, or more to Hikaru's standards, his condemner.

Kaoru stood at the door, horrified. This was the furthest Hikaru had taken his suicide attempts. Kaoru couldn't contain it; he cupped his hand over his mouth and fled down the hall to his own room, where he collapsed on the bed. Guilt. Unforgivable guilt raked his being, as it had so many times since his brother's confession. Kaoru wished that he could love him like he wanted him to, if only to end these ridiculous tries at felo-de-se. But how could he? It was his brother! That's incest! And gay! He remembered how often his parents and mentors had commented in disgust against both, was his brother deaf to it all?

Then he recalled how more often they had said that love was a powerful, strange, unpredictable thing; and love's rejection was ten times more intense.

* * * * *

The next morning, after thinking for most of the night, Kaoru awoke with a change in heart. A blush graced his cheeks as he thought of his new awakening. He was in love with his twin brother, he had always been. He knew not why he hadn't realized it till just now or why he had reacted the he had. But it didn't mater. He would apologize, confess, and then maybe they could be together, they could be happy.

Like he couldn't contain it any longer, Kaoru bolted down the hallway. He yanked Hikaru's door open excitedly. "Hikaru, I'm sorry! I was wrong. I love you!" he said, breathlessly nervous. After receiving no answer, Kaoru opened his eyes, only wanting to shut them again. Horror tore through him like lightning would a tree, every morsel of him quivering as he took in the scene in before him.

Hikaru's feet dangled a few feet above a littered ground. His shoes were placed neatly to the side. Sticky scarlet liquid dripped lazily into a growing pool of blood. With a tight knot looped around his neck, head rolled limply to the side, Hikaru hanged from the ceiling fan, dead.

* * *

(the paper is bloodstained)

_Does anything force a greater burden upon one's shoulders than that of guilt? Though rationally I knew it was I who wore the blame, I tried to convince myself of my false innocence. As you have probably guessed, I failed._

_This is my final farewell. By the time you find this it will be too late._

_And Mom, you were right. Love is a powerful, unpredictable thing._

—Kaoru Hitachiin

* * *

**(cowers) Please don't hate me!**

**In the end Kaoru went to join his beloved with a newfound love. I think it was sort of a happy-ever-after! How 'bout you?**

**Please review!**


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